As I wish to deliver on the request of being entirely brutally honest, I must say that this review may appear rather negative. I focused mainly on what - in my best opinion- has the most need or potential for improvement (in the hope to help you progress rather than simply sing you praise).
The very start of your story has the potential to be immersive, but fails to grasp my attention. I think this is due to the fact that there is an absence of rhythm in your writing, something I noticed as well further throughout the rest of your work.
The characters feel sympathetic but I fail to imagine them. They appear to be cut out of cardboard and don’t feel like actual people. You have given me some idea on how they look but I would like to know more about the way they stand, their posture, their bearing.
I want to see more personality. Give me some originality. Give me some flaws! Dimples, scars, dry lips. Do they pick their nails? Play with their sleeves? Show me peculiar character details. Any particular violence, abruptness or charm in the way they move? A particular way they move their eyebrows? Do they make exaggerated hand motions when they talk? Nonchalant scratching? Do they look away at some points during discussions? Do their smiles reach their eyes?
As your reader, these things tell me a lot more about the characters than the colour of their hair.
I wish for texture, intensity and sensation.
The dialogue is fairly woody; it sounds forced and not quite genuine. As for the romance; it is a bit entertaining, but it does not thoroughly convince me and the ‘chemistry’ seems obligatory. I am not especially rooting for the relationship, although as a reader I need to get a secondhand infatuation with the love interest.
The overall quality of your grammar is rather poor, but not as poor as other works on webnovel.
I do appreciate that you clearly put a lot of effort in your work. I applaud your enthusiasm and sincerely hope that my harshness did not dissuade you from continuing.
