A popular premise, but well-executed. There’s a few flaws I wanted to point out, in the hope to help you progress.
Your grammar is passable, although I would personally refrain from using the passive voice as much as you do. It makes sentences clunky, vague and awkward. So if you can change the subject of the sentence in order to rewrite it in active voice without this changing your meaning, I advise you to do so.
There is an absence of rhythm in your writing. I’m aware it isn’t easy to write with rhythm, and personally, I struggle with it as well, but try to bring some more rhythm to your paragraphs.
The dialogue is clear, but sometimes it comes across a a bit forced.
Overall, I believe your work holds a lot of potential. I wish you luck!
