Ok, Ima be straight with you bro. This was painful to read. The dialogue is rough, although clear. I mean to say that while the grammar is good, some of what they're saying makes no sense if you think about it from the way an actual conversation works and flows. Granted, I didn't read that far, but if you think about the dialogue in the conversations you're writing and it doesn't make sense to you, it probably will not make sense to readers. I don't say this at all as hate or anything, I say this in encouragement. Believe me, your work so far is not at all as bad as others I've seen, by far. Good job so far and good luck.
