Okay, first things first, I'm no author nor am I an expert but as a reader, the grammatical errors and poor sentence structure leads to me being unable to picture the scene.Even just a quick run through from a fluent English speaker would significantly help, but I feel that without those errors this story will be an interesting read.Also, I am not sure what the terminology used for this us, but stating who is the current speaker, current POV and seperating different characters' speech.For example, instead of a paragraph looking like:"And that's the plan right" "yeah, perfect"it'd probably be much easier to understand like:John anxiously questioned Bill for the nth time, "And that's the plan right?""Yeah yeah," Bill reassured, "it's perfect."And also at the beginning of each perspective change label who is talking:-----John POV-----